


And Shrek was never the same again

by I_Am_T_Ire_d



Category: uhhhh heck yea
Genre: 3), Canon doesn't know I exist, Even feelsier than the warm feelsing you get when you win a 3 am Denny’s fight, F, God has left this Chili's, It's Free Real Estate, Multi, Probably cursed by a Norwegian prince, Shreks were harmed in the making of this fic, bad spelling, be prepared for war, bring John Cena with you if you want to survive, can I just say I think chicken nuggets are the reason I'm alive rn, demon llamas probably, dont say i didn't warn you, hide your forks, hide your ogres, i did this at 3 am just btw, no one is safe, no onions are safe, oh there's also gonna be cannons, silverware was harmed in the making of this fic, spoiler: everyone dies, wait oh heck is that the demon llama, watch your silverware I swear it will be taken, when I say I do this at 3 am I'm not lying, wothout them I'm nothing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 09:22:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14974148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Am_T_Ire_d/pseuds/I_Am_T_Ire_d
Summary: This is Ben's flat I don't live here I swear.





	1. The Eyebrow Mafia is back at it again.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [satan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/satan/gifts).



Heckin heck what the heck oof frock it. What if birbs had massive fluffy ears? Just there chillin being fluffy ears, but on a heckin birb. The frolick does that mean, nien oh heck the mafia. Why the heck do we even have eyebrows. I mean they're just kinda there. What is eyebrows had emotions? Like when they get sad they just fall off. Wait the heck, Na they just get kinda half circle shaped cause yes. Oh wait no wait yea yesh. I bet the mafia is secretly a bunch of eyebrows in a heckin trench coat bishes. Eyebrows on flec but magic edition. What if we just sold eyebrow like they were cheese or something? "Hi yes miss can I intros you in this fine eyebrow?" "Na just the one" "oh heck yer buy one buy one that's it bish.". Heck. H e c k. It's not a problem anymore. It's not a phase mOom. Oh frock I dropped my heckin eyebrow, it was probably the mafia. Big rip. Hi welcome to Its free real estate. Eyebrows. Oh frock what if when yo shave off yer eyebrows ye turn into a transformer aye? The fock are ye on aboot mate. Can't ye just gimme back me eyebrows dimmit? Aye shut up ye chubby coon no one wants yer eyebrows. Oh are ye pickin a fight aye? Well c'mon then ye diddley daddly FOOKIN pancake. What if eyebrows leave yer face when ever ye are all alone with no mirror? Those fockerz could just go out and get a pint without ye knowledge. Aye. Arron Butt Sit The Fock Down. He knew he had to do it to em. Fock yea init? Oh heck did the eyebrows actually create cheese just now? Oh Fock those sneakeh salamanders gone don it again. Oh Boi what happened. Did they take yer eyebrows? Oh yea they did now you dead. Snitches get stitches, but you know what eyebrows get? Lawsuits, those fockers get around. Heckin. Heck heck. Gotta blast the mafia's after me. Don't listen to yer eyebrows mate. They gonna kill yee. y e e. y e e t. y o o t. yuut. yiit. yaat. shat. fack. The Fock you want mate? Yee lets FOOKIN Google that shat I ain't got time for that shiz mat. M-Mathew where the Fock have you been mate?! You still owe me 5 dollars bish. YeeeEEEEEEAAAAA LETS FOCKIN GO MATE YOU BETTER STEP UP YEE LIMP BEACH BALL. Oh Fock now I'm fockin dead. Tell Timmy I know where his eyebrows went. DM that shiz. Heck yea.

Wait shite guess I'm not dead. FOCKIN mafia. Got that cronch. Mhm hella cronch. Wait the heck. Rip my father. Yea I'm just dying so yea. Have fun with that bish. OH FOOK THE MAFIA'S BACK AT IT AGAIN SO LONG MY DUDES. Wait It is Wednesday my dudes aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. 

Fook I'm dead. This is the end of my memery. Wait hold up no Fock that. Imma meme in heck just you watch me. Oh fook. Na I'm just a birb now. I shall screech the memes. You can't fight it. Behold my heaven power. Go my children! Find me victory find me corn chips. Hey Jerry what the fook you want I'm a mother heckin birb now. Oh you lil FOOKIN CORN CHIP OH HECK NA MY MINIONS OF DARKNESS SHITE ON HIM NOW. Heck they're dead fock. How am I gonna pay the FOOKIN rent? Ah I know I'll just kidnap the mafia's leader; Lord Fockwad. That bish is gonna heckin pay. In the form of corn chips of fockin course. Who the fock do you take me for peasant? 

 

The mafia needs to chill. They keep changing people into birbs. I mean they are our eyebrow overlords. Hnnnnn fock this. I don't give a fork. F o r k. Heck no they heard me. Wait Na that's chapter 2 territory. Oh fook I broke the forth wall again. Hnnn welp ehem; PHILLIP WHERE THE FOOK DID YA GO YEE WALNUT? YOU GOT A PIANO RECITAL. YEA YEA THIS TIME ITS totally not the mafia. Eyebrows will prevail. It is no use to struggle. We have john cenna. Watch yourself. Well then. How shall we go about this? At least they don't have- oh shite they have Ronald McDonald don't they? Dang right we do peasant. Hmmmm we do still have- are you FOOKIN with me. Yea we stole your eyebrows. They have joined our ranks. It's too late mortals. RoW rOw FigHt tHe pOweR. This is getting sad. Birb? Mhm that eyebrow mafia keeps stealing me FOOKIN CORN CHIPS. Oh Fock you these are our FOOKIN corn chips. 

SomeBODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS A CORN CHIP SO I ATE THAT BISH. I regret everything.


	2. Heck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is let me know what I fucked up.

K bishes I'm fookin back. You donkehs thought yee could get rid of me aye? Not today ye doodle shites. Oi get the Fock out if ye think ye can touch me motherfookin silverware. Those were me great auntie's knives. She stabbed a bish. No one found the body. Eh nofbof yhat shat. The fook are flies made out of mate? Think bout et. It's just mush init? I don't FOOKIN know. Fook you mate. The fook are yee talkin bout. 90% of the time I have no idea what the fook I'm talking about. Imma FOOKIN acebwnacb. You dodnt see doodle shite. Fook ye and fook ye cow ye Philadelphia fish nugget. Mhm fook you. You should have seen the look of agenu on that fishes FOOKIN face. The shite are you lookin at? FOOKIN whut. Mission failed will get em next time. "What" "what" "nANi?!" "Oof we got a weev don't we Philip?" "Oh yea let's FOOKIN dec em" "MLG noscope bishes" "oh fook ur noscopes more like no-cake for you if ya don't shut yer pie hole mate" "the fook jerry" "no, fook you" "no u" "no U" "NO U" "u can't no u when no u no u u" "what" "what" "NaNi?!" "THERE THAT GOOKER IS GET EM" "NA YOU GET EM" "OH GOOKIN GELL GERRY" "THE FOOK YOU ON ABOOT MATE?" "FOOK YOU" "n o u" "oh bish you did it now" "Dennys 3 am parking lot fight me bring yer weapons I don't give a fook" "no" "what" "I have the power of god and anime on my side" "nAnI?!" "THERE HE IS AGAIN GET EM" "fook this" I wanna die "mood he cries but the mood just keeps on mooding" Just how many shrimps do you have to eat before you turn pink? I'm guessing 37. Wait hold the fockin phone. Is that the fookin yo master? "'I want to be a yo man!" he cried, but the yo master just kept on yo-ing" This is heckin short but I don't give a fook bout it cause fook ye. Next chapter Shrek will be involved I promise. Wait shit this was supposed to be notes welp I'm too lazy to move it now. Heck.


	3. Hella

Gordon Ramsay stands outside the restaurant. He looks like lamb sauce.

"This is Cooking Disasters and you suck" Gordon kicks the door in the shins.

"What's up ya fookin donkeys" Gordon sits on the table. He stares at the lamb. 

The Ramsay has lost all hope in this Chili's.

 

Rip I am not gonna get you to the same cloud for my birthday and you can't go search me on it my friend is my life and you will be the one I am so you don't wanna jinx it again but you have a lot more important things you can tell if anyone wants a true love to be the same one for your own and I am the one who will never forget that someone you can be a nice man you love me a man and a good person and a good one to you love and love it so he will never forget that he will live it all again again love him again love me again I hope you're doing a better life now you have me dying walrus of you I will always love me a lot more of him to me feel your life thank and he will never forget that you have been my suffering from the pain of my depression I am dying of depression when you were my suffering from the same thing that you were thinking and that was my own idea for me and you to read that all of these are demons that I don't know you were the first two days before the same day I had no inkling on that day I am sure I would do anything that could you do to the person I would have been with the best friend you have to do to help you with the best friend you have ever seen with you and you will always be a nice friend you and love me a lot more than I ever did and I never knew you would love me a lot more than I ever ever heard of you love you so much I love you so much and I love you so much I love you so so much I love you so much and thank I so you have my follow all my friends love and appreciate it all of my friends love and appreciate it thank and so I'm pretty much everything you have ever done with my life thank and I'm always here so you so so far and you will never be so sad and sad when you people ever use to it all I want to die and then I'll have come a bad boy that a gay boy you just can't be the person that I can tell them all about that is on what happened and you will say no it's true and love is what he does to him he has no one time I will always love me he always always will never leave my heart for a moment and then he gets it here he will always be a queen then you will always remember the day when you're left down she will be a great bean for a while but I don't wanna get you to sleep for a few hours and I will always be the best of me to the people you are so nice and nice sprites I hope your life will never leave you so much and I regret everything you have to try and do what I did and I don't give you the best you will always love you and you don't wanna jinx it up and I'm just gonna go back away and I forget what I was going on and it is my heart I will always be the best you ever had me I am a man and you love it and he is so adorable and gay ooof and he is super nice I can't do it all over here and you will be the one I will be you okay with you so much love me so please I can do that for him I will love your heart he always will give us your soul thank he for you he will be my best boi thank and have you for a good job he is my best friends I hope you're doing a better thing and you do what he is going for me now and he is a true hero you have no one time for him I will love you but you have no one cares to love him so I can stab him again with a chili's 

 

"So no one told ya life was gonna be this gaaaayyy *clapping*" 

 

Oh rip I hope you get it to work with you guys I am sure that you can get it for the next next time or next next chapter and the next chapter or two new episodes are so annoying but it doesn't even make you a super hero and the only one that is a good movie and a great idea for the next time period of the next chapter and I have no clue how I can do that to myself if you have to have the Netflix of a doodle jump and I have a few suggestions on how this game will play a while later on my phone and then I'll have time for the next chapter to come back to my childhood when I'm reading the same book I have read it all over again so far so I can't wait to read the next next time I get the same chapter I am so confused and sad 

 

I have a cold and I am so confused about this stuff but I don't have a clue what I want to do anymore I have to have a set of homework and I have homework to do so I can do that for a while I am so confused right now I can't do it again so I can do it again so I can stab my eyes and stab my eyes out of my eyes out and then I just realized I have to have a set of homework and I have homework to do so I can do that for me a bit later I have to have a set of homework and I have homework to do so I can do that for me a bit later I have to have a set of homework and I have homework to do so I can do that for me a bit later I just have read the same chapter of the book and I'm reading the book and I'm dying to read the manga and I'm still waiting on it for a bit shorter than the manga I've been waiting to do for the manga series and I'm not really tired of this movie so much and I'm not really tired so I'm just not clicking on it anyway I love this app and it's so nice and it is so nice and it makes me sad toot

 

Oh yea I forgot I have about it so far but it's nice and I'm pretty much like drawing a blob on a picture I guess it's just gonna go hide my nose again I just want it again I just want my life and rip me out to be a queen 

 

Rip I am not gonna do it this year so I'm gonna be nice for the rest day and then I'm gonna probably do a bit late at the next chapter of this year so I'm just sitting next chapter or chapter of the chapter so far but it's okay to me that you have no clue why I'm here to talk with your mom came she just told you to that girl and then I'll put my hands up on my face when I'm done and I'm still here to help her and she just can't be me so sad cause it I won't get to the next time I'm so tired and sad I'm sad but it's still my heart so yea I'm dying 

 

The heck is it true that you have a lot more than that one of those people are just not kidding about the manga you can get the manga and then you have read the same thing again so you don't know how it to be read so you don't know how it works or you should be reading the same thing as possible but it was just not clicking on it so far but I can't wait to read the book I have to have a set of homework and then I get it back from my childhood to a doodle and I am not really sure how this is sad but it's sad


	4. *cries in Italian*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Summary

Welcome to the five hundredth podcast episode 1, I'm Ire 

What up peeps I'm Ire

And I'm Ire 

So the fuck are we gonna talk about 

Idk man 

You know McDonald's 

Yea what about it

Once I stole all the toilet paper out of the bathroom and threw it at people 

What the fuck man

What do you mean "what the fuck man" we're the same person

Yep Na not today imma go eat something just cut this out in production 

...

We're not cutting this out are we

Nope 

You know Ire

Yea what about em

They're so fuckin annoying can we just get rid of them

Oh heck yea man 

 

What's going on bishes 

Oh nothing we were just talking about how we are gonna kick you, Ire, out 

Wh a t

Mhm 

Yep

WhAt the fuck man

Tell that to the chipmunk 

What

I stabbed em

Wait what

In the fucking face

Why

Yes 

How are we gonna get any sponsors if we keep fuckin swearing

Shup 

Fuck you

No fuck you

No u

Guys shut the fuck up

What about the heckin sponsors

Fuck

STOP FUCKING SWEARING

FUCK YOU

NO U

K

Soooooo

Yea

Oh you know Ire 

Which one

You

Whomst 

 

Life hack: if you can't fit your entire hand into the Pringle can just fuckin flip it upside down onto your face  
Life hack 2: if you have a headache you just gotta up your third eye it works my dudes   
Life hack 3: don't Touch wild froggos they will devour your face

 

What's up my dudes I can't sleep and it's 3 am you know what that means.

Yep I'm gonna go devour ten cans of Pringles. Then make Pronlge nails. Mhm fight me. Why do some people say their favorite color is cheese. I don't get it. Can someone explain why people name their dogs green. My foot feels like I stepped on a lego, fell over, and died. I mean really do you need your knee caps. They're just kinda there ya know. Can I get a yoohaaaaa? All I want is a pretzel please Timmy stop hogging them all. I'm still confused why people name their dogs cheese btw. Can America really explain if everyone's an anti goat. I mean they have a cheeto for president. Nani the frick is my life. What am I doing rn. Oh yea right I gotta grab them prengal nails. Oh rote mate I got em reel Goode. K bye bois


	5. The Lighting McQueen cult strikes again

Hey there demons it's me ya boi back at it again in this chili's. I need some food ya know like a single cheese. Just one of them no more. My nose feels a hella sneeze. It's a sassy one. Needs more salt for that poptatd. Can't type need malk. Hats are for losers get your life together. We don't stan those shisters in this sister shack. My sister soul is sister sobbing in this sister space and I'm sister shook. We need an evolution sisters. What. No. You just gotta yeet to the beat of life my dudes. Did ya ever hear of that one dude. He wore a hat. He had no friends. He was a godamn loser. Because he wore a hat. He didn't even know how to fly. He couldn't outrun Daniel Radcliffe. He was last seen in the Dennys parking lot. His last known words were "No Homo, Bromo". What a loser am I right bois. We are gay queens who don't wear hats here. Can someone explain why the heck happened to my face. It looks like a literal garbage can- oh wait no that's just my face. Heck. I wonder how long I can get my weave to fly. Go forth my minion of darkness go slay those queens. The Prime Minister is the only queen for miles around here. He's a chicken. He eats dirt. He's a mood. I wish I knew what the Prime Minecraft thought of trees. Branchy bois. Nom nom. Eat the grass and die. I need a new signal. What's the word jOHn. No one likes you jOhN. Hi Tim welcome to the cult. You're the accountant I assume. We need you to go jump in a hole thanks. You're an insult to this religion. We worship the one and only god, Lighting McQueen. If you don't stan get out. "Kachow" the lord said on this day 420 years ago. He had 69 commands. The first being "Get the heck off my law chair peasant". What a wise god. Jeremiah was a bullfrog. 10:10 is the time of my des pa citO. What is life owo. Hewwo mwr pwesident Obama uwu I need hewp I muwdewed this pewson. oWo. E


	6. Fucking walruses, man

Ok hear me out on this. How terrifying would it be it walruses learned to walk. Like you're chilling out in a park or some shit and out of fuckin no where a walrus with huge buff legs dashes toward you at top speed. Animal planet and shit. You can't outrun the fucker. It's a goddamn walrus with. L e g s. They probably have these huge stilettos with spikes and shit just to flex. They're walruses they don't "feel pain". Those asshole probably have AirPods too. Cause if you get robbed by a walrus you can't just go tell the cops or something. Be all like "hey, so, uhhh, I got robbed" "what?! By who?" "*quietly* a w-walrus" "WHOMST?" "A walrus" "wow Jim you've really gone insane haven't you" "I'm not fuckin with you dude there really was a walrus, he had these huge ass legs and AirPods" "Jim are you just fucking with me" "nO for real this bob the builder wannabe was wearing stilettos too" "ok, yea you've gone utterly squatting insane time to take you to the Corner" "oH GOD NOT THE CORNER" "yes Jim, the Corner". nO so these walrus fuckers rob all the Dennys, steal the AirPods and just fuckin waltz outa there doing that one dance thingy from 2012 cause they don't know when memes die cause they're clearly the uncultured swine of the goddamn ocean. I mean really have you seen those bastards. God sometimes I wonder if anyone's listening. Not to me. Just in general. What if everyone listens with their noses and I've been lied to my entire life. Like really think about it. It fucks me up sometimes, man. Also you ever wonder who the fuck was the first person to have milk. Cause I have a few questions 1) who the fuck 2) when the fuck 3) why the fuck 4) where the fuck and 5) w h y. Who in their right mind would just think "oh you know what would make a delicious beverage" "yep the liquid that comes out of a cow if you squeeze it. Just what the everliving hell. Also what about butter. Who was just stirring butter for 20+ minutes just waiting to see what would happen. Whoever they were they clearly had too much free time. I wonder what the first person to see a walrus thought. Yeah I'm not done with those absolute frying pans. Just hey look at that greay lump with whiskers that look vaguely like a mustache. Yea I spelled grey/gray greay cause instead of picking e or a I'm doing BOTH and you can't stop me ya limp biscuit. My wrist hurts like a bitch. Like can you nOt I don't care if it's cause I've been drawing for 3 hours straight (ha straight, I'm gay) you will do my bidding and write this garbage. Uhuh that's what I thought ya sloop prying bastardized. At this point I don't control autocorrect, autocorrect controls me, okay. nO ONE TOLD YA LIFE WOUDL EVER BE THIS GAAAYYYYY *clap clap clap clap*. Welcome to apple bees would you like apples or bees? Apples. He has selected the apples. *apples start aggressively falling from the ceiling*. Okay but do you think walruses would prefer extra as hell boots are just extra as hell high heels? yEA IM NOT DONE WITH THE WALRUSES ILL NEVER DONT STOP BELIEVING, HOLD ON TO THIS FEEEELLLINNGGGG. I should probably sleep but mothman demands my cheese. I don't even like cheese. Hell I don't even own cheese. Why are you here anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> The fook you want from me mate?


End file.
